Anyway, since you all saw my post yesterday I thought you'd be glad to know all my pregnancy symptoms were 100% fake. Not that I was purposefully faking it of course, but simply completely and utterly imagining it. And my mind believed it too. Believed it so much that today I had to buy "sanitary products" for the bathroom vending machine thing-in-the-wall cause I was not at all prepared for this outcome. Of course, for those of you who have experienced the thing-in-the-wall's product, you'd know it's so thick I might as well have shoved a whole roll of paper towels in my panties. Ridiculous, right?
In any case, it's Tuesday and I'd love to participate in Tova's Totally Awkward Tuesdays. Except of course I either have no awkward moments or I have no sense of shame, cause I am fresh out of stories eventhough I participated only twice. Of the two, I'm assuming the second one is dead-on.
In other news, I received today my Kraft "Food & Family" magazine. I started a blog before this one but my family got access to it so I shut it down. I wanted my blog to be my venting space, not my watch-what-you-say place. So anyway, back to the Kraft magazine, here are my superb words about it, copied and pasted by yours truely from my previous blog.
The dream of simpler days
There are very few days when I get excited about mail. On a daily basis, I get about 3 credit card offers, a few catalogs for stores I've never shopped at, and possibly a few bills. Every day, I flip through the envelops, but nothing gets opened. I toss it in our mail wicker basket. We open our mail about 3 times a year. Now, I am known for exaggerating, I exaggerate like 5 billion times a day, but this I kid you not. 3 times a year. I get all my usual bills online, I pay them online, I have no use for paper. I canceled all my paper bills and statements (and yet they keep coming in, of course).
But I get very very excited about mail 5 times a year - the beginning of each new season, plus one holiday special - when I receive my free Kraft Food & Family magazine. I read the recipes and hear ka-ching ka-ching sounds (use OSCAR MAYER bacon, RITZ crackers, PHLADELPHIA cream cheese, KRAFT salad dressing), but that doesn't matter. My healthy self wants to throw up when someone suggests "to stretch my food dollars, we stock up on hot dogs and mac and cheese!", I mean seriously, you feed that shit to your kids on a frequent basis?! But that doesn't matter either. There's just something about it that makes me feel happy. Maybe it's the glossy pages. Maybe it's the pretty pictures. Or maybe it's the part of it that gives me a taste of what being a stay-at-home mom could be like.
I live in California. I love California, I wouldn't move anywhere else, no way no how, not for any sizeable yard, not for any affordable house, not for the dream of a 10k downpayment, not for the changing of the leaves, not for the look of a white Christmas. But living in SoCal, we will never be able to afford me becoming a stay-at-home mom. Like always, anything you can't have becomes desirable. So there's a part of me who enjoy stay-at-home moms submitting ideas in a Kraft magazine on how to stretch a dollar, how to keep your whites white, how to feed a family for under $10 a meal, how to get the bathroom to shine. But sadly (and fortunately), I will - kids or not - continue to answer these life dilemmas with the following solutions: forget saving it's what is most convenient that matters, buy new white clothes and toss stained clothes away, it's impossible, and get a maid. I don't mean to sound spoiled. It's just that I don't have time or brain power left at the end of my long days of programming/problem solving to be a good wife (in a 1950s conotation), and kids are not going to make my housekeeping skills any easier.
But 5 times a year, I get to dream. Dream about spending my days taking care of the house and kids. Dream of planning meals and going to the grocery store only once a week (instead of once a day, post "what do you want for dinner honey? ok, I'll stop by the grocery store after work"). Dream about a clean house - no more dust bunnies bigger than our cats, no more counters full of crusty dishes, no more showers that haven't been cleaned in 3 months, no more piles of laundry covering 95% of our bedroom floor (where's my yellow shirt honey? oh, I remember walking on it a few times, I think it's by the bottom left corner of the bed, yeah, next to the earphones and the aquarium cleaning thingy).
So today, I received my Kraft magazine, poured myself a glass a wine, and allowed myself to dream. If only my bath tub was clean, I'd have done all of those while in a hot bath.
But I get very very excited about mail 5 times a year - the beginning of each new season, plus one holiday special - when I receive my free Kraft Food & Family magazine. I read the recipes and hear ka-ching ka-ching sounds (use OSCAR MAYER bacon, RITZ crackers, PHLADELPHIA cream cheese, KRAFT salad dressing), but that doesn't matter. My healthy self wants to throw up when someone suggests "to stretch my food dollars, we stock up on hot dogs and mac and cheese!", I mean seriously, you feed that shit to your kids on a frequent basis?! But that doesn't matter either. There's just something about it that makes me feel happy. Maybe it's the glossy pages. Maybe it's the pretty pictures. Or maybe it's the part of it that gives me a taste of what being a stay-at-home mom could be like.
I live in California. I love California, I wouldn't move anywhere else, no way no how, not for any sizeable yard, not for any affordable house, not for the dream of a 10k downpayment, not for the changing of the leaves, not for the look of a white Christmas. But living in SoCal, we will never be able to afford me becoming a stay-at-home mom. Like always, anything you can't have becomes desirable. So there's a part of me who enjoy stay-at-home moms submitting ideas in a Kraft magazine on how to stretch a dollar, how to keep your whites white, how to feed a family for under $10 a meal, how to get the bathroom to shine. But sadly (and fortunately), I will - kids or not - continue to answer these life dilemmas with the following solutions: forget saving it's what is most convenient that matters, buy new white clothes and toss stained clothes away, it's impossible, and get a maid. I don't mean to sound spoiled. It's just that I don't have time or brain power left at the end of my long days of programming/problem solving to be a good wife (in a 1950s conotation), and kids are not going to make my housekeeping skills any easier.
But 5 times a year, I get to dream. Dream about spending my days taking care of the house and kids. Dream of planning meals and going to the grocery store only once a week (instead of once a day, post "what do you want for dinner honey? ok, I'll stop by the grocery store after work"). Dream about a clean house - no more dust bunnies bigger than our cats, no more counters full of crusty dishes, no more showers that haven't been cleaned in 3 months, no more piles of laundry covering 95% of our bedroom floor (where's my yellow shirt honey? oh, I remember walking on it a few times, I think it's by the bottom left corner of the bed, yeah, next to the earphones and the aquarium cleaning thingy).
So today, I received my Kraft magazine, poured myself a glass a wine, and allowed myself to dream. If only my bath tub was clean, I'd have done all of those while in a hot bath.
Yeppers, off to go enjoy my magazine. In my dirty bed. Where I will dream of parallel universe where I don't work and might honesly have the time to care about how long it's been since I changed the sheets.
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